Hi Friends.
This is the first post I have created in 5 months. Sometimes I forget that I even used to do this every week.
My life has changed so much in the last 5 months, and things have just gotten to a point where I am not able to write as frequently as I used to, or would like to.
I started a new job, got married, and moved into a new place. All of that has been such a transition and taken so much energy that I haven’t been left with anything to give to the other things in my life that I would consider hobbies. I just wanted to create a post writing and sharing about the struggles I have been going through over the last 5 months, and currently am still struggling with, to maybe encourage someone that they are not alone, and maybe to get some encouragement myself.
Firstly, getting married was one of the easiest decisions I have ever made. I love being married to and living with my best friend. It was a tough transition at first (I won’t lie), and it can be tough to adjust to living with someone (even if you love them dearly - I can’t stress that enough). It takes a lot of patience and love to keep working through those kinks. I think we have settled in nicely, and I am really enjoying our life so far. I know that there will be tough things that will come our way, but I am thankful to have such a wonderful man by my side for it all.
Secondly, and the thing I will focus on for the rest of the post, the hardest thing I have walked through over the last 5 months is the adjustment to this new job. It has been one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. I went from working full-time from home to back in the office most days (which was a transition in and of itself). The work environment and work load can be so intense and high volume sometimes I can’t even think straight. I have only been at this job for 5 months and I have already been burnt out more times at this job than in the 3 years I was at my previous job. And then of course there is the drama that comes up with team members that causes conflict and hurt feelings (over the least important things in the world, of course). We are all sinful humans so I have to show grace to these individuals, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.
This job tests my mental and spiritual limits regularly. My mental health has slowly declined. And I want so badly to tell you that my relationship with Christ magically fixed it and made it all better, and I am all comfortable now. But that is not how that relationship works. Christ doesn’t just swoop in and take all our pain away right when we feel it, but he promises to walk beside us through it, because he knows what it feels like.
I know that I prayed for this job, and I have to remember that when I am beat down by it. When the opportunity first presented itself I prayed, “Lord, if it is your will, please allow things to work out with this job”, and they did. I know that this is where the Lord wants me right now, and that’s the hardest part, because being there hurts so much and it is such a difficult circumstance. I also know that the Lord is using the difficulties I face at this job to refine me and make me more like Him. And I know that this is supposed to fill me with joy, and I should feel “peace, which exceeds anything we can understand…” (Philippians 4:7), but if I am being honest with you, I don’t feel it.
When I think about work, even with all that I know about the Lord bringing me to this place and using it as an opportunity to help me grow, right now I just don’t feel the joy. All I feel is anxiety, fear, and sadness. And as much as I know that it is just a job and it should not have such power, right now it does. I am not saying that it’s right, but that is just where I am at in this moment in time.
Friends, as I share all of these vulnerable feelings with you (I also cried while writing this post), I ask that you pray for me. I ask you to pray that I would feel the peace of Christ in my heart so that I can look at these challenges head on and walk through them with faith. That I would lean on the Lord for all strength because He is the only one that can get me through.
I wish that I could end this post on an upbeat note, but not every season of life is upbeat or ends on a high note. There are times where things are hard and that is just the reality of it. “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). There is no need to deny the pain or pretend that things are fine just because you think they should be.
If you are reading this and are in the same boat as me today, I understand. I pray for you as well, that we would both find the peace of Christ to help us walk through our situations with grace towards others and ourselves, peace to know God is in control of all things, and that eventually He will make all things right.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death of sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever” (Revelation 21:4).
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