Oof, where do I even begin? First off, it is nice to talk to you again. I haven’t written in a while, either because I wasn’t feeling inspired or I was just dealing with other things that took my focus off writing. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas season, and is ready for the new year. The new year is always an interesting time. It is a time typically filled with new hope and refocused priorities. It also comes with a time of reflection over the year you are leaving behind.
When I looked back over this past year (2022), more bad than good came to my mind. Even though God provided so greatly for me and my husband in a time when we really needed it, all I could focus on was the bad. I started 2022 at a job that was draining me both mentally and emotionally, only to be laid off and accepted another job (the one I had written about over the majority of 2022) only to be laid off once again on December 23rd, 2022. The only things I could see from 2022 were multiple layoffs, a boat load of anxiety, and not a lot of joy. This is still a struggle for me right now.
My layoff on December 23rd has triggered many emotions for me that I am still dealing with. Even though I was strictly let go because of budget cuts and was in no way my fault, I am still struggling with feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I am now unemployed. And even though everyone who knows about it has been so kind and understanding, offering to help in any way they can, I can still feel like a walking failure. Some days are better than others, but boy, when those emotions come raging in, it can feel like you are drowning and can’t breathe. You lie awake at night crying to yourself and ask why things worked out this way, you feel so lost as to the next steps to be taken, and wonder how long all this will take.
I have been reminded over and over again (and will probably need to be reminded many more times) that this was all a part of God’s plan for me. God knew this would happen, and he can be trusted to provide for me and my husband and will lead me to a new job in his timing. And I absolutely believe that, however, the reactions of my heart and mind (as shown in the last paragraph) tell a different story. I am truly struggling between trusting that the Lord is working through this, finding peace, and having patience, and the overwhelming feeling of being a disappointment to myself. I am triggered by thoughts like, “well at least they have a job”, when looking at the people around me at any given point. I care about being a productive member of society and contributing to the welfare of my family, so all of these things can really get to me.
I know the things I am describing are things that I personally need to work out in my walk with Jesus. I am working to train my brain to focus on my blessings rather than anything I might see as a burden. Also, I say all these things to be open and transparent, and to show those who might be feeling the same way that you are not alone in all this. I am going to list off a few important truths and scripture that I hope you (and myself as well) can take to heart, whatever season of life you are in right now.
God is in control of all circumstances at all times. He is not unaware of what you are going through right now.
The thing you are going through is not the problem, the anxiety you feel about the situation is. Allow the Holy Spirit to come into those places and provide that peace regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in.
God’s plan for us is always bigger and better than the plans we try to make for ourselves.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5)
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present our requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7)
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast (unwavering, committed, faithful), because they trust in you” (Isaiah 26:3)
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27)
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps” (Proverbs 16:9)
“When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me” (Psalm 86:7)
I hope that my raw and real emotions remind you that walking with Christ is a lifelong learning process. There are some times that are better than others, and we need to give and receive encouragement as well as remind and be reminded of our true focus, depending on what kind of season we are in. Being a Christian in a fallen, sinful world does indeed mean that there will be times of joy as well as times of suffering. So when you have no answers, only questions, turn to the one who is the one and only answer for everything.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast” (1 Peter 5:6-10)
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