Well hello there. I know it has been a minute since I have posted last. Sometimes life gets in the way of me sitting down to write, or I am just not feeling the Holy Spirit lay something on my heart to write about. I never want to force something out just for a post. I always want my words to be as genuine as possible. I know that when they are not I can feel it and hear it when I read it back to myself, and I am sure you would see it too. But I am back this week with a new post about something that rocked my world just recently: some deep-seeded fears being brought to the surface. I have written a piece on fear before, but I knew I needed to write about it again. I hadn’t realized what was really going on until I had already had my mental breakdown. But as always, the Lord lovingly came beside me and used the people in my life to teach me and guide me towards the truth. Let’s begin our story.
This story starts out like every other story, with my job (I know I know, I talk about this every time, but just stay with me!). I had been struggling with anxiety surrounding this job for a few months now, constantly worried about one thing or another. Thoughts were constantly spinning in my head, things like:
“I can’t do this job”
“I am really better suited for something else”
“Why don’t I have enough work to do? They are really going to think I am lazy and fire me. They will realize that they don’t need me”
“I have never been a Team Lead before, and I feel like such a failure. I have no idea what I am doing”
All these lies kept circling my like vultures ready to attack. And one day I got a comment from my boss asking if I could come up with a project plan on how to make my team more efficient, and I lost it. No, his comments were not mean or rude or anything, strictly business and looking to me for my thoughts and advice on how to make this team as successful as possible. But I interpreted it as, “You truly are a failure and this team isn’t doing well because of you”.
*Enter complete mental breakdown*
My husband (Tyler) knew that there was something wrong with me that day (let’s call it husbands intuition), and I was trying to keep it together like I usually do, but I couldn’t hold back. The tears came flooding in, I was spewing all the lies that had been filling my head right back to him, and just completely collapsing under the weight of those lies and the fear they created inside me. I wanted to run away from it all. As always, he lovingly picked me up, dusted me off, and talked through it all with me to try to help me see that those things were lies, and not anything that the Lord would have wanted me to believe of myself or where he has brought me. However, still being so emotionally strung out, I couldn’t quite grasp the wisdom he was sharing. I knew in my head he was right, but in my heart I was still hurting and his words didn’t have the effect they should have.
Two days later I spent the day out with my mom. We have monthly Saturday get togethers to try new coffee places around town (we are both very coffee obsessed) and maybe do some window shopping, etc. This is something we used to do almost every Saturday when I was still living at home, but since being married with have had to change our outings, but it is a tradition that I value so highly. We had arrived at a coffee shop and sat down at a table to enjoy our beverages. I started to confide in her about what had been going on with my feelings about my job and how I was considering trying to find a new one. Her advice back to me surprised me with how true and important it was, and it really struck a cord with me. What she said to me was this (some direct quotes, some paraphrased): “I don’t think you should look for another job. I think you need to find peace with whatever work you have and just where you are right now. You can pray to God about making a move, but I truly think you need to stay put and find a way to focus only on how you can serve God through exactly where you are right now. He brought you there for a reason right? Just try to be patient with His working”.
I was stunned. I sat there for a minute while her words hit a part of my heart that needed those tender words. I had to apologize to Tyler later because I knew the things my mom said to me were the same things he had said to me before, but I just wasn’t in the right place to hear them when he and I talked.
I knew what they was right, and something about that began to heal that place in my heart where that anxiety and fear and been causing so much damage. I talked to Tyler about it again after I had talked to my mom, and that was when I really started to see all the fears I was living with. Here are a few examples of those lies/fears, coupled with the truth I learned:
Lie/Fear: I am a failure or as being seen as a failure.
Truth: God has/will give me this wisdom and strength to do what he has called me to do.
Lie/Fear: I am not a hard worker because I don’t have a lot of work to do.
Truth: Be at peace and be patient with the workload. Focus on serving the Lord above all else.
Lie/Fear: I am always in trouble for something; I did something wrong but what?
Truth: As long as I am living for the Lord, it doesn’t matter what any one else says. I will make mistakes and I need to take responsibility for those mistakes, but my focus should always be on the Lord and not man.
Lie/Fear: I am a perfectionist; I should be good at everything right away (like being a Team Lead).
Truth: I will never be perfect at anything ever. The point is to try, fail, get up, and learn. You can’t become good at anything if you give up after the first attempt, which doesn’t always go smoothly. The point isn’t to be perfect but it’s always to try my best. I probably won’t be good at everything right away (like being a Team Lead which I have never done before).
When I sat back and reflected all this I really felt like a weight had been lifted. My heart and mind were flooded with these beautiful truths and I surrendered all these lies and fears to the Lord. “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). I truly began to feel the peace of Christ wash over me. “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
I know I still have a long way to go in dealing with all the fears I have. There are some I have been carrying with me my whole life. But I am so joyful to now see and be reminded of God’s faithfulness and love, and to be able to enjoy this peace while I continue to fight these battles, and I know that I don’t fight them alone. “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
What fears are you facing today? Are you still in the place where I was, wallowing and being dragged down by those fears and anxieties? Are you ready to allow the Lord to have full control over those things and accept his peace? I highly encourage you to do that today. God is there, ready to hold us. Let’s surrender all to him and let go of all these things that hold us down.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7)
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